I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
