that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
