Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
