Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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