dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
