I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
