I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
