you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The beer is more important than you right now.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
