Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
