Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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