$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
