he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
