i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
