I'm drive I can fine osifer
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
