I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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