My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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