God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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