Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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