peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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