i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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