i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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