Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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