Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
love makes seman taste better
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
