im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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