pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She's the barista slut.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
