I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
