then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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