Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
