He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
