I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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