What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
