guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
my poor anus
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
