if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
