Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
