It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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