I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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