Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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