he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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