so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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