my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
