Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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