I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
being pregnant is like rehab
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
