Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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