His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
