Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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