I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize