I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
