with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize