I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
