We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
