he puts the penis in happiness.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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