are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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