i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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