I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
