its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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