My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
