It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
