I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
