insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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