This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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