It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
